People define personalities in different ways. Some psychologists/psychotherapists have defined it as something innate or as we define them by traits. Pioneered by Freud the analysts defined personality as an interplay between the conscious and unconscious. Bowlby and others defined personality as being formed in the early years of ones development linked to ones consistency, security, safety (attachment) with caregivers. Behaviorists define personality by observable behaviours.
So true to systemic thinking I would consider all factors when considering personality and believe looking at personality through one lens is almost impossible if not a shame. However I guess I am most drawn to John Byng-Hall's theories of Family Scripts when thinking of relationship dynamics and hence personality. Scripts imply a plot or a meaning given to interaction. This meaning maybe layered by trans-genertational issues or roles as defined by family interactions and needs. This also implies that everyone plays a role or has a scene to act depending on the relationship. If you stretch this idea it means that our personalities change from relationship to relationship or interaction to interaction. Plainly we are different with different people.
Over time I have realised that its not just that I am different with different people but different personalities evoke different responses in me, family therapists call this self-reflexivity and also relational reflexivity. The ability to reflect about the self and process in the context of dynamics. I think an occupational hazard is that now when anything about someone's interactions with me irks me I feel myself drawn into a reflexive position. I know this must sound tiring but its become so automatic to me that I sometimes don't know I am doing this. What it has helped me to do is see the situation from a third perspective and try to see why this relationship is evoking a certain response in me.
In my previous blog I talked about being a people pleaser. Often when I feel irked, as I say, in my relationships its because of this very deep set belief that gets triggered off. So I guess at times I am able to deal with this feeling and other times I am not. Returning to India I am finding more of the latter. I think this is because in many ways being away people were able to get to know me without my history of relationships. Get to know me for who I have become rather than assume based on what has been. I know I am making it out to be that I don't have supportive relationships or had a disastrous past but it isn't like that all, I am just figuring out a new dynamic for myself and those around me without imbalancing my internal and external system.
What is familiar is safe that is true for how I am viewed and how I view others. I find some people around me or I should say my relationship with some people around me, completely different from how I remember them to be and that 'irks' me. So I guess that is what prompted this writing.
I also have to remind myself that while most of the relationships I refer to are in the same age range as me age is only a commonality biologically not chronologically. So we aren't all at the same stage when it comes to lifecycle experiences and I am not just referring to parenting. Our experiences past and present both define us and our journey for the future.
I look forward to what else 'irks' me in this journey and how this defines my script or dynamic in my relationships.
So true to systemic thinking I would consider all factors when considering personality and believe looking at personality through one lens is almost impossible if not a shame. However I guess I am most drawn to John Byng-Hall's theories of Family Scripts when thinking of relationship dynamics and hence personality. Scripts imply a plot or a meaning given to interaction. This meaning maybe layered by trans-genertational issues or roles as defined by family interactions and needs. This also implies that everyone plays a role or has a scene to act depending on the relationship. If you stretch this idea it means that our personalities change from relationship to relationship or interaction to interaction. Plainly we are different with different people.
Over time I have realised that its not just that I am different with different people but different personalities evoke different responses in me, family therapists call this self-reflexivity and also relational reflexivity. The ability to reflect about the self and process in the context of dynamics. I think an occupational hazard is that now when anything about someone's interactions with me irks me I feel myself drawn into a reflexive position. I know this must sound tiring but its become so automatic to me that I sometimes don't know I am doing this. What it has helped me to do is see the situation from a third perspective and try to see why this relationship is evoking a certain response in me.
In my previous blog I talked about being a people pleaser. Often when I feel irked, as I say, in my relationships its because of this very deep set belief that gets triggered off. So I guess at times I am able to deal with this feeling and other times I am not. Returning to India I am finding more of the latter. I think this is because in many ways being away people were able to get to know me without my history of relationships. Get to know me for who I have become rather than assume based on what has been. I know I am making it out to be that I don't have supportive relationships or had a disastrous past but it isn't like that all, I am just figuring out a new dynamic for myself and those around me without imbalancing my internal and external system.
What is familiar is safe that is true for how I am viewed and how I view others. I find some people around me or I should say my relationship with some people around me, completely different from how I remember them to be and that 'irks' me. So I guess that is what prompted this writing.
I also have to remind myself that while most of the relationships I refer to are in the same age range as me age is only a commonality biologically not chronologically. So we aren't all at the same stage when it comes to lifecycle experiences and I am not just referring to parenting. Our experiences past and present both define us and our journey for the future.
I look forward to what else 'irks' me in this journey and how this defines my script or dynamic in my relationships.
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